I am not Dennis Hopper

Tonight, as I waited for the Orange Line train to arrive, a train arrived with its lights off and its sign reading “No Passengers”. After it pulled up to the platform, the train operator said the following over the speaker: “This train is out of service. Please do not attempt to board the train.”

There are two fundamental assumptions with this statement. The first is that I’m stupid. I see the train has no lights, and I can read the sign that states “No Passengers”. Since I’m willing to concede that the Metro has blind riders and illiterate riders, I let this one slide.

The next assumption is that I will attempt to board the train. Miss Train Conductor, you never opened the doors. How am I supposed to board this train? I am not going to cling furiously to the side or ride on top of the roof. I saw Speed, so I know what happens when somebody rides on top of the subway train.

In my 30+ years of life, I’ve also learned that I can’t teleport. It’s sad, I know, but it’s a fact. My brain, as tired as it may be from work-induced apathy, does not suspect that I can teleport onto the train. It’s smart like that, applying lessons learned over the years.

Thus, I correctly assume that I will not be boarding this train. But thank you for helping the blind passengers.