Twelve reasons why I hate the Florida Marlins

  1. The Phillies freeze up against them and forget how to play baseball.
  2. Nobody in Miami goes to Marlins games. This team is good. Seriously, where are all the fair-weather Miami Hurricanes fans? Can’t they latch on to the Marlins for a few months until college football returns? Hell, the Marlins are giving away two-for-one tickets and still no one shows up. Embarrassing.
  3. Their announcers are journalism school rejects. How many more idiosyncratic, nonsensical pronunciations can they make? Pat Burrell is not hitting “four-hundred-twenty-four” on the season, he’s hitting .424. See the difference? Ugh. They all want to be disc jockeys, but don’t seem to have enough talent for even that.
  4. The Phillies freeze up against them and forget how to play baseball.
  5. Their broadcast network runs commercials for shows on other stations that DURING THE CURRENT TELECAST. I know Santa Claus told the little kids to go to Gimbles when Macy’s didn’t have the right toy, but that was a movie. This is real. Maybe McDonald’s will start sending customers to Burger King when there aren’t enough hot french fries. I’m stunned the Marlins aren’t broadcasting from the basement of the science building.
  6. Their players can do no wrong. Even an error is someone else’s fault because their superhero players could never do anything that didn’t result in perfection. Oh, and they always touch home, even when they don’t.
  7. They play in a stadium named for the local NFL franchise. At least fans don’t show up for that team, either. Seriously, folks, Miami has had a Major League franchise for a dozen years now. Why did it take so long to get baseball back in Washington? Give me a solid reason. Just one.
  8. Have I mentioned that the Phillies freeze up against them and forget how to play baseball?
  9. They’ve won two World Series championships in the last eight years and no one cares. Not even the owners.
  10. Juan Pierre.
  11. The current owner used to own the Expos. He didn’t like that deal, so he sold the Expos and bought the Marlins. How does this make sense?
  12. That whole “the Phillies can’t beat them” thing again. When did the Marlins become the Dallas Cowboys to my Washington Redskins? When, damnit?