I’m corrupting my own mind

This isn’t shocking, but the FCC is back in the nanny business:

The Federal Communications Commission plans to levy fines against broadcasters or their affiliates for violating decency standards in about a half-dozen cases, people familiar with the matter said yesterday.

One incident involves Nicole Richie saying “shit” on Fox’s broadcast of the 2003 Billboard Music Awards. The first obvious response is to state that it was the Billboard Music Awards. Nobody was watching. For those few who were, I’m going to guess that they’ve heard the word “shit” before. They’ve probably even uttered it once or twice. Our society still exists. Somehow.

Another case involves the unsurprising conclusion that Janet Jackson’s not-really-revealed breast during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show violated decency standards. I have nothing else to add about the specific incident beyond what I’ve already written. Instead, I’ll point out that human creativity provides me with uncensored radio, in spite of the decency cops at the FCC (and Congress). They may be violating one Amendment, but they haven’t figured out how to violate all of them. Yet.

Until then… Suckers.

You will be watching, right?

The fine folks at ABC must wonder why Alias isn’t drawing the ratings they’d like. Aside from the obvious (ummm, have you noticed Jennifer Garner in the first 7 episodes?) and the not-so-obvious (where the hell is Rambaldi this season?), could it have something to do with incompetent network executives? Perhaps hyping the show’s move return to Wednesday nights (at 10pm) following ratings juggernaut Lost would be a better idea if ABC planned a new episode of Lost tonight. Reading The Internets would be enough to let them know that fans are bored with the pace of Lost this season. Viewer motivation will be so much less with a repeat lead-in. But they can continue saying that Alias is a disappointment because fans haven’t flocked to it.

My feeling on the future of the show is simple. Fine, the show’s ending, they can use whatever excuse makes them feel better. I’ll manage. (I’ll actually be in the fetal position on Sunday Wednesday Thursday Wednesday nights, but still…) Allow Alias to resolve the Rambaldi issue and all will be right with the world. Also, bring back Vaughn, since he can’t be dead. Do that and I’ll remember ABC fondly in the future when I’m not watching on Sunday Wednesday Thursday Wednesday nights.

Will there be “Raaaaaaaar”?

You’re excited, correct? I know I am. After four long months, Alias returns tonight! (ABC, 8pm)

When we left off last season, Sydney and Vaughn were driving along the highway. Vaughn began to reveal a secret to Sydney involving him not being who she thought he was. In classic Alias fashion, the pregnant pause (the pun was too easy, I had to take it) between setup and punchline turned into SMACK as another vehicle t-boned our heroes. Doh! I wonder if they’ll live?!?

Alias underwent “changes” in the time off, as we now know. Future Senator Ben Affleck made it unavoidable that Agent Vaughn knocked Sydney up sometime last season, presumably in some post-Zombie celebratory bliss. I have qualms about this development because I remember the disaster that befell Mad About You when Paul and Jamie got a little too friendly, but I’m optimistic. J. J. Abrams has never let me down in four seasons of Alias (or in one-point-one seasons of Lost or four seasons of Felicity), so I think he’ll pull off the rare feat of adding a baby/pregnancy to a show and not ruining the show. I’m hopeful. I believe.

I know where I’ll be in four hours. You should be there, too.

I know it’s just a poll

Warning: Do NOT follow the link in this story if you do not wish to know potential spoilers for the new season of Alias. I wish I didn’t know, but I already did, so I read it. End of warning.

While reading this story about the new season of Alias, I noticed a reader poll in the sidebar. Consider:

The answers are stupid. Just like movie studios delayed disaster/terrorist films after September 11th, 2001, any new movie delays in the aftermath of new terrorism are attributable to obvious business logic. When a major calamity strikes a society, impacting most members, even if the impact is merely on an individual’s national pride, demand for calamity entertainment withers. Why would a movie studio, in the business of making entertainment money, release supply into evaporating demand? Yes, an event like September 11th was beyond any imaginable scale, so some sensitivity factors in (an assumption I’m willing to concede). But it makes up little of the overall decision, because what if the nation wanted that movie as a catharsis? Would the movie studio show it for free as a matter of sensitivity to the victims? Of course not.

To news outlets who offer such worthless content: if you’re going to bother me with silly, poorly-reasoned polls, show me an ad instead.

Now I’ll have to TiVo Joey

Yes, I know this is only interesting to me, but Alias returns with its fifth season on September 29th. Do you have any idea how relieved I am? I may very well have fretted that Alias’ return would be delayed (I’ve since destroyed my Ben Affleck voodoo doll). But that’s ok, because Jennifer Garner’s pregnancy will be a plot point in the new season. Consider:

Jennifer Garner is expecting a baby, so her “Alias” character will be too, even though she’s a globe-trotting spy. “We are going to embrace the fact that she’s pregnant,” ABC programming chief Stephen McPherson said, referring to the character, Sydney Bristow.

Asked if he thought the show might lose male viewers who eagerly anticipate seeing Garner in action, McPherson replied that “she’ll be able to run a fair amount.”

I watch the show because it’s imaginative, well-written, and entertaining. I trust J.J. Abrams (I mean, Alias! Felicity! Need I say more?), so I’m not worried. I can accept that the show plays on its sex appeal, but give us a little more credit. If you doubt me, remember that I travelled to New York to see a play for the sole reason of meeting Arvin Sloane Ron Rifkin. I’m not brain dead; I can enjoy the show with parts of my body above my waist line, thank you.

But this is the key:

But he acknowledged her exploits would change when Garner is visibly pregnant. To protect the show’s sex appeal quotient, a younger agent who is being mentored by Sydney will be added, he said.

That role has yet to be cast.

I’d like to mention here that I’m free for “any” acting gigs that might be available, whether designed for a woman or a man. If it worked for Shakespeare, it can work for me.

The slogan will include “bias” and “pious”

That liberal media is at it again. Or is it just that the conservative blogosphere has nothing better to do than obsess about how allegedly far out of touch Hollyweird Hollywood is? Either way, there’s a new target for the disdain of so many who believe that every word uttered by, for, on, or in the media is a rant against “real”, patriotic Americans. Today, that target is Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Behold the freedom-hating, indecency-loving, vile-hatred of innocuous dialogue, as recounted (with comments) here:

If you really want to be all-but guaranteed to pick up on a bit of leftist Bush bashing on television, there’s no better place to turn than to NBC’s “Law & Order” TV series. The season finale of the show featured a storyline on judicial security. Detectives think a white supremacist is involved in the shootings of a judge’s family. Here’s part of the dialogue from that show:

ADA RON CARVER: An African American judge, an appellate court judge, no less.

MAN: Chief of DS is setting up a task force. People are talking about multiple assassination teams.

DET. ALEX EAMES: Looks like the same shooters. CSU found the slug in a post, matched it to the one that killed Judge Barton. Maybe we should put out an APB for somebody in a Tom DeLay T-Shirt.

Ummm, ha ha? Really, it’s a stupid throwaway line, but that’s how people talk, stupid throwaway lines included. And I believe the point of scripted entertainment is to entertain. Do we really want dialogue to sound like this:

ADA RON CARVER: An American judge, an appellate court judge, no less.

MAN: Chief of DS is setting up a task force. People are talking about multiple assassination teams.

DET. ALEX EAMES: Looks like the same shooters. CSU found the slug in a post, matched it to the one that killed Judge Barton. Maybe we should put out an APB for somebody.

That works for me. “Somebody” doesn’t offend. It doesn’t describe either, but it doesn’t offend. And isn’t that the most important characteristic of entertainment? In business the maxim is “Cash is king.” I thought literature, a category in which screenwriting falls, the basic maxim is “Story is king.” Now I know better that the real literature maxim is “Non-offensiveness to any person’s politics, gender, sex, sexual orientation, education, ancestry, dietary considerations, disabilities, internet access, or humorlessness is king.” Really rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

After a few incredulous comments, Mr. Boortz tries his hand at dialogue writing. Consider:

ADA RON CARVER: “She looks like she was alive when the car went off the bridge”

MAN: “Why didn’t she get out? The water is only four feet deep here.”

CARVER: “Dunno. Maybe she was dazed. The door might have been jammed. Anyway, she suffocated. Lack of air. Must have been a brutal death.

MAN: “Was she driving when the car went off the bridge?”

CARVER: “Doesn’t look like it. The seat is too far back for her to have been driving. Looks like someone taller .. a lot heavier.”

DET. ALEX EAMES: “Check the car to see if it has a Ted Kennedy bumper sticker.”

Guess what? I caught the meaning. You know, that the evidence doesn’t add up to the alleged facts. Isn’t that what good writing is supposed to convey? But somehow, I don’t understand how that conveys that the hypothetical suspect is a crazy, moonbat, left-leaning, liberal elitist. I just don’t make that connection. But, of course, when it comes from the so-called liberal media, there’s a clear intention behind the stupid, throwaway line. As Mr. Boortz concludes:

I ask you to imagine, if you can, the outrage that would come pouring forth from the nation’s liberal media if any of those punchy little vignettes actually appeared on a network television show. We would see stories damming NBC for using that dialogue and making those references to liberal icons. But in this case all NBC did was suggest that DeLay supporters kill federal judges. That’s not bias .. that’s entertainment.

NBC did not suggest that DeLay supporters kill judges. Here’s NBC’s official position:

“This isolated piece of gritty ‘cop talk’ was neither a political comment nor an accusation,” NBC Entertainment President Kevin Reilly said. “It’s not unusual for L & O to mention real names in its fictional stories. We’re confident in our viewers’ ability to distinguish between the two.”

You mean viewers are smart enough to determine that the stupid, throwaway line implied that the killer might be a crazy person who took this statement as an immediate order to be carried out because Rep. DeLay stated “The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior,” after judges refused to reverse the decision to remove Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube? You mean writers may take the easy way out to express their thought in an “inartful” way, just like Rep. DeLay “meant that Congress should increase its oversight of the courts.” Huh? No, I don’t believe that. It’s the liberal media. It can’t be anything else, my ideological talking point interpretation tells me so, so don’t try to convince me.

Is it really that devious? Or is there an alternate possibility? Maybe, just maybe, “Tom DeLay T-shirt” is a stand-in as a current events reference, a reference which explains the point in 14 words rather than a 3-page dissertation about public figures irresponsibly bitching about so-called activist judges and how those judges will eventually be made “to answer for their behavior”. Again, I state, isn’t that the point of effective writing? Particularly in dialogue?

If it quacks like a duck, sometimes it’s actually a sound clip of a duck, played on a computer by someone who realizes that purchasing a duck to hear a duck quack is overkill.

(Hat tip: Instapundit and my friend Will)

P.S. Mr. Boortz uses a picture from the original Law & Order, even though that isn’t the correct Law & Order for this non-scandal. Isn’t putting a misleading picture with a story a conservative argument against the so-called liberal media? I’m just saying.

I hate this show. When is the next episode?

Behold:This post has a major plot spoiler for last night’s Alias season finale. If you’re a loser like my brother, you let TiVo watch Alias last night for you. You might watch it tonight, you might not. You’ll watch it eventually, when “wedding stuff” doesn’t get in the way, as if that’s more important. I don’t care that the wedding is in eight days. Ummm, it’s Alias. What kind of fan are you? I mean, really, you won’t even suffer the indignity of seeing two naked men so that you can watch Ron Rifkin perform for two hours and meet Ron Rifkin after the show. If you’re like that, you don’t want to read this yet. Warning delivered.

I love that Alias chose to remember that the first 50+ episodes happened, contrary to what ABC might hope, but holy hell, what was that ending last night? I mean, seriously folks, what. the. fuck? Vaughn is not Vaughn? And he might’ve been/probably was/definitely implied that he was a “bad guy”? And Sydney meeting him specifically wasn’t a coincidence? My brain computes that not. How can that be?

Here’s what I know from the past:

  1. Alias is a bigger-than-life comic book.
  2. The writers know what they’re doing.
  3. No detail is too small or too far in the past to be important.
  4. This story line will be like every Rambaldi story line: ridiculously unbelievable and preposterous.
  5. I will anticipate season five like no other season yet. That’s a lot of anticipating.
  6. I will watch every episode of season five, whenever it starts. (Damn you, Ben Affleck!)
  7. I will love every bit of it.
  8. I will evangelize the brilliance of Alias to everyone I meet.

I have so many more thoughts and comments, but I need to re-watch the ending. Until then I can’t write any more.

I need a stiff drink cold slushee.

“Sloane’s a genius! I mean…an evil, horrible genius, but still…he’s a genius…”

I’d planned to write about this at the end of last week, but realized in time that I couldn’t write anything until after the fact. Danielle and I drove to New York City for the weekend to attend our friend Will’s “thirty-plus-two” birthday party. Or, rather, to attend his surprise “thirty-plus-two” birthday party. Will reads my blog, so writing about it ahead of time would’ve ruined the surprise, I think. Hunches… I have them. But that didn’t occur to me until I set myself before my computer to write about the then-pending, now-passed weekend. Sometimes I’m smart and dense at the same time, which explains why I paid for my flight to Vegas on United because I couldn’t use my USAirways miles even though I then entered my USAirways frequent flier number with my purchased ticket. Can you tell why I love movies and books and TV shows and all things with an ending that I block out until it arrives? I don’t suspend disbelief so much as I suspend comprehension. So I barely caught myself before I made the big mistake of broadcasting “Will’s having a surprise birthday party!” But now it’s done, the surprise having remained intact until the end, so I can write what I was going to write on Friday.

We hadn’t been to New York since November of 2003, so this was a chance to get back and enjoy the city. And with Danielle involved, any trip to New York requires Broadway. She prefers musicals to plays, while I prefer plays to musicals. Mostly, I think that’s because she’s loved Broadway forever, while I’ve only begun to appreciate theatre in the last five years or so. I enjoy it, but I need to work my way up to Les Miserables or something else like that. Give me a story told in prose and I’ll love the process more. There’s only one way I can enjoy “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” and that’s (unfortunately) not on Broadway. So, mostly I prefer plays.

The last three times we’ve been to New York we’ve seen a show. We saw Rent because it’s well-reviewed and a less-traditional style of musical. Think more rock and less Jazz Hands. I even listen to the original cast recording now, appreciating the story more every time I listen. It doesn’t hurt that Danielle and I are BFFs (best friends forever) with one of the original cast members. And by BFF, I mean he’s Danielle’s friend’s husband’s best friend and we went to a baby shower at his apartment one time and talked to him for a few minutes. As you’ll soon discover, official BFF status is easy to achieve with Danielle and me.

After Rent, we saw The Violet Hour because I wanted to see a play instead of a musical. I’d seen Side Man at the Kennedy Center in D.C. before, so I knew I liked plays. When Danielle and I searched for suitable plays to enjoy, we settled on The Violet Hour for the same reason I chose to see Side Man: the star(s) of the play is (are) famous. The minimum is one, but the more the merrier.

In the case of Side Man, Andrew McCarthy and Michael XXXXXXXXX starred. I was born in 1973, so the core formative years for my movie appreciation occurred from 1982-1987. Those years meant the Brat Pack of Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and the coup de grace, St. Elmo’s Fire. I was always partial to the characters Andrew McCarthy played because he was always the outsider of the Brat Pack, the one who fit in but only on the periphery. That would’ve been me if I’d tried harder to be popular. And, really, who doesn’t absolutely heart Mannequin? I thought so.

The play we chose for the next visit had to meet the same standard, of course, and The Violet Hour fit that. It starred Scott Foley, who played Noel Crane on Felicity. (I’ve mentioned in the past that I’m really just a 12-year-old girl. You thought I was kidding?) Plus, Scott Foley was married to Jennifer Garner. Really, need I say more? Any time I can be one degree of separation from Jennifer Garner with someone in the room, I’m gonna pass that up? Ummm, no. So we saw The Violet Hour and loved it, despite the tepid reaction it received from our BFF.

Knowing that we were coming to New York for the birthday party, Danielle and I knew we had to see a show. Spamalot and Avenue Q were our first choices because we’d decided on a musical-play-musical-play rotation, but tickets for those two were either sold-out or the available seats were bad. Then we remembered that The Paris Letter was headed to off-Broadway after it’s successful run in Los Angeles. We didn’t know anything about the show other than it’s stars, which is really all anyone needs to know, right. As I’ve written, it is for us.

And how does The Paris Letter rank on the star scale? Wow. Wow. The L.A. cast, which we hoped would be moving with the show to New York as we’d read, included Neil Patrick Harris, who played Neil Patrick Harris in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. More importantly, it starred Neil Patrick Harris getting naked. Even as a heterosexual male, anyone who tells me that, given the chance to see Neil Patrick Harris naked, they’d say no, I reply with this: liar. I don’t want to see it; I have to see it. That’s reality. It just is.

Of course, Neil Patrick Harris wasn’t the only star worth seeing who might be moving to the New York cast. Far bigger on the critical Fame Importance to Tony&#153 scale was Ron Rifkin, better known to the world as Arvin Sloane on Alias. Not only does Ron Rifkin offer that one degree of separation to Jennifer Garner criteria, he is an Alias cast member. AN ALIAS CAST MEMBER, PEOPLE! You know Alias, The Greatest Television Show E
ver&#153. I mean, duh. Talk about the easiest ticket purchase in the history of ticket purchases.

The moment we confirmed that the show would be playing in New York last weekend, we bought tickets. The cast hadn’t been confirmed, but we hoped. And our trip coincided with the show opening for previews. If Ron Rifkin or Neil Patrick Harris moved with the show to New York, little chance existed that we’d see an understudy. If we saw Neil Patrick Harris or Ron Rifkin’s understudy, Bitter Time&#153 would last until 2037. That would be bad. Very, very bad. But we were lucky smart because we bought tickets to preview weekend. Problem averted, if Neil Patrick Harris and/or Ron Rifkin followed the play to New York.

In April I saw this announcement:

Ron Rifkin of ABC’s “Alias” and a Tony winner for his role in the long-running Broadway revival of “Cabaret” will star in the New York premiere of “The Paris Letter,” Jon Robin Baitz’s play about friendship, family and secrets.

The play will open June 9 off-Broadway at the Roundabout Theatre Company’s Laura Pels Theatre. Preview performances begin May 13.

Rifkin, 65, is a veteran of Baitz’s plays, having appeared off-Broadway in both “The Substance of Fire” (as well as in the film version) and “Three Hotels.”

In “The Paris Letter,” which will be directed by Doug Hughes, Rifkin portrays an investment counselor confronting his past actions. Also in the cast are John Glover, Daniel Eric Gold, Lee Pace and Michele Pawk.

Rifkin starred in the world premiere of “The Paris Letter,” which was done last December in a different production in California.

I admit I was a little bummed when I read that Neil Patrick Harris would not move with the show to New York, but the key actor, Ron Rifkin, remained. I was ecstatic at the prospect of seeing an actor from Alias on the stage. I mean, really, it’s Alias, The Greatest Television Show Ever&#153! The only task left was to learn what the play is about. Here’s the summary:

The Paris Letter is about sex, power and money. Wall Street powerhouse Sandy Sonenberg finds his personal and professional life threatened by the unraveling secrets of his past. A tragic game of financial and moral betrayal is played out over four decades and between two friends at the cost of family, friendship, love and marriage.

The story is much deeper than that simple description, but I won’t give it away. The play is exceptional. The writing is fantastic. The story moves along well, with details unravelling at just the right pace. All five actors delivered superb performances. There were a few minor blips in the process, but the play is in previews, so that makes sense. I actually appreciated that, because it gives the same feel as a concert. If I want perfection, I’ll listen to the cd. I recommend it.

As an unexpected bonus, our seats were on the left side of the theatre, so we had a specific viewpoint of the play. We could see the actors as they lined up on their mark before entering the scene. We could see the workers behind the doors whenever a new prop moved to the stage. Normally, I would’ve thought this would detract from the play, but it didn’t. I’ve never been in community theater or high school plays or anything like that. I don’t know the inner workings of how a play is staged. Seeing how it happens fascinated me. Short of “martian walks on stage”, it couldn’t have been cooler. And Ron Rifkin faced our direction for most of the play. It was the best of all possible scenarios.

When the show ended, we clapped with everyone else. Unlike everyone else, we knew our fun was only beginning. Being the theatre junkie that she is, Danielle knew to wait outside the stage door after the show for the chance to meet the cast Ron Rifkin. Rather than explain all of the details, I’ll send you here, where Danielle has written an excellent review of our waiting outside the theatre. (We also had a special bonus based on our seat location, which she also explains.) The short version is that Ron Rifkin was the third cast member to leave the theatre, about 45 minutes after the play ended. This is what happened when he left the theatre:

Danielle: “Mr. Rifkin? Would you mind signing an autograph?”

Ron Rifkin: “Of course not. I’d be happy to. Oh, please tell me you didn’t wait all this time for me. I feel like I’ve wasted your time!”

Danielle: “Oh, no you didn’t! We had to wait, because it’s YOU!”

Ron Rifkin: (taking my Alias dvd with Arvin Sloane on the label) “Which season is this?”

Me: “Season three.”

Ron Rifkin: “Which season is your favorite?”

Me: “Season two, probably.”

Ron Rifkin: “Why?”

Me: “Because of Lena Olin.”

Ron Rifkin: “Oh, so you have the hots for Lena Olin?”

Me: “I think she added an interesting dynamic to the show. Though, this season is great because it’s getting back to the series, with Rambaldi and cliff-hanger endings.”

Ron Rifkin: “This guy [points Jon Robin Baitz, who wrote The Paris Letter] wrote last week’s episode of Alias.”

Me: (Turning to face Mr. Baitz) “I loved last week’s episode. It was well-written.”

Jon Robin Baitz: “Thank you.”

Me: (Turning back to face Ron Rifkin) “I don’t understand why ABC thinks that viewers can’t handle the episodes that aren’t self-contained. And keep Rambaldi involved in the show!”

Ron Rifkin: “ABC despises Rambaldi.”

At this point, I’ve descended into Basement of the Science Building mode. I’m as geeked out as I can get. I am fucking chatting about Alias with Arvin Sloane Ron Rifkin! I can die now.

Me: “Why?”

Ron Rifkin: “They think it’s too weird.”

Me: “But the show is over-the-top. It’s supposed to be larger-than-life. It’s a big comic book!”

Ron Rifkin: “I know.”

Later, in a George Costanza “Jerk Store” moment, I would come up with this: Right, because a 500-year-old manuscript of advanced technology and prophecy is weird, but plane crash survivors stranded on a tropical island with polar bears and monsters is normal. We’re the fans and we decide if it’s too weird. Deal with it.

At this point, they have to leave, so we say our goodbyes, with the additional encounter mentioned by Danielle. We’re BFFs with Ron Rifkin now, of course. I suspect that Danielle and I will be having Thanksgiving dinner this year with the Rifkins. No doubt, it will be a festive time enjoyed by all.

That is why we decide on the play based on the star(s) involved.